[Valid Atom 1.0] Life With Cake: Eating Disorder Blog: Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Good Day or Bad Day… Which Do I Choose Today?

In the past, my life was divided into “good” days and “bad” days. The determining factors were how flat my stomach was in the morning, how much I weighed, how my pants fit that day (which was especially risky had they been recently washed), and how I stuck to the diet I’d obsessively planned out the day before. Complete self-torture.

Because what defined “good” for me was driven by need for my body to be perfect, almost every day became a “bad” day. Whether walking along a strip mall in Kansas or traipsing down Broadway in NYC, my sense of self was determined by how I looked compared to everyone else I passed on the streets … and on my most days, I couldn’t compete. Today I feel fortunate I don’t live like that anymore.

What I realized, after many therapy sessions, is that I am the one judging myself and making up crazy rules about how my day will turn out. Essentially, I am choosing to think badly or highly about myself. Why do I want to be that mean to myself, really? Has it helped me thus far? When I used to ask myself these questions, the answers were usually that I hated myself and it hasn’t helped me. If I can choose to be negative, then I can certainly choose to think positively, and thus feel happier.

Today, I don’t define my days in such black-and-white terms. I can easily get caught up in negative self-talk, but when it happens, I don’t entertain it. I look at it like a symptom that’s telling me something else is going on, and then I reframe my thoughts. None of us are perfect, but we all have positive qualities that make us who we are. For anyone struggling with these issues, I’m here to tell you, There Is Hope!


Greg Archer said...

thanks for your insight and great thoughts...
would love to send you our new book, which tackles much of what you talk about ...

it's called "shut up, skinny bitches"


let us know if you'd like a copy.
greg archer

Elise said...

wow. I just found your blog, and I almost cried out of joy in reading this first paragraph. I have battled bulimia for 12 years, and I am ready to embark on recovery whole heartedly! It is just nice to hear someone say all the things out loud that I think in my mind every minute. Thank you for your blog!! I am so excited I can't wait to read it all!!

Harlow B said...

the more I read your blog the more I like it. Some of the posts make me want to cry.

~ Harlow

Anonymous said...

What an amazing post.. I felt like I wrote that myself. I have been avoiding weighing myself out of pure fear of what the scale will say but I continue to scrutinze my body to pieces when comparing myself to any pretty girl who walks by.. I've been bulimic for over a year and have never really ate like a normal person to be honest.. I think its great that we can pour our hearts out to each other since no one else really gets it.. Thanks!

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Genie123 said...

When reading your post It was looking in the mirror. I too divide my life into good and bad days. I am in recovery but I still have a very black and white view of myself and food. I am punishing myself daily and hating myself but I can't seem to get to the place where I can be positive about my weight and feel ok about myself. Such a long struggle, but wanted to say thanks for your blog I am writing one also and have found it a relief that I am not the only one who this is happening to, Genie x