[Valid Atom 1.0] Life With Cake: Eating Disorder Blog: Diligence, Diligence, Diligence!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Diligence, Diligence, Diligence!

On my last post, I discussed that I was working on reconditioning my mind so that I would stop eating late at night when I'm not hungry. Any type of conditioning, whether it's our body, our thoughts, or our attitudes is hard work, and it takes diligence to break out of old habits.

I know, everyone's probably like, "Duh!". However, I have this bag of bad habits (albeit small) that I wanted to leave in 2009, but, somehow, have now schlepped into the new year. I'm into recycling and all, but I'm almost positive that my mental dysfunction and habits are not biodegradable.

Yesterday, I followed my food plan to the letter, until my girlfriend told me that she was making me dinner. What? Dinner? NO!!!! I just wanted to eat my food. What she was making was healthy and balanced, but I just didn't want to eat it. But I also know that it's good for me to have a certain degree of flexibility, especially when someone is taking the time to make me dinner.

So I ate it, and felt guilty and fat the entire time. That's how my disorder manifests. After, I felt anxious, which, of course, made me want to eat something else. But I didn't. Hallelujah! It was the mental diligence of being honest with myself about what I needed and how I felt that kept me from eating. And it was difficult, because even now, as I love myself much more than I ever have, my natural instinct is too sabotage myself.

So, I guess yesterday was officially Day 1 of reconditioning my mind--for this issue. Progress not perfection, I guess.

This morning I still "feel fat" for eating off of the food plan I had planned for myself. But I know that "fat"isn't a feeling, and even if it was, feelings aren't facts, blah, blah, blah.

I'll let you know how I did for Day 2 tomorrow!

6 comments:

VoiceOfTheSoul said...

I happened to just stumble across this blog, and I am truly grateful I did.

I have been struggling with bulimia for over 2 years now and I've only recently admitted my problem to close friends because I realize in order to get better, I need a strong support system. I need someone to sit with me after dinner and talk to me and deter me from running into the bathroom immediately afterwards.

It's already a tough journey and I constantly find myself relapsing the second I step on a scale or I look bloated or don't perfectly fit into a size 0. I'm glad I found this blog because knowing someone else has struggled and overcame it gives me faith that I can do it.

I hope to read more and to be inspired. I admire you for being brave enough to do this. Thank you.

--Kate

Stina said...

Congrats! As someone who is in recovery for bulima, it's great to hear another perspective. And your scenario rang true for me! It's easy for me to get anxious about eating food if I don't know what's in it, how it was cooked, etc. I understand what you mean when you say you felt bad while eating it. . one day I hope that's not so!!

Fiona Place said...

I came across this blog by chance and wanted to wish its author well - recovery can be such an up and down journey, yet I am sure your sharing it with others will assist both you and them.

Trike said...

It's a tough journey.. YOU CAN DO IT!
thanks for the blog... here is a video on bulimia i thought was quite interesting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1r2KyVWL3U

Pea said...

I understand completely what you are going through. The cycle is awfully hard to break, and it takes every once of drive and energy you have. Keep on pushing forward!!

Here is mine:
http://tacklebulimia.blogspot.com

Erin at The Healthy Apron said...

I love your site! I used to suffer from a disordered eating pattern and it still helps today to hear stories from others! Thanks for sharing and I hope you'll check my site out too! :)