The last week has been somewhat of a controlled food frenzy. I didn't go binge or anything, but I had several consecutive days of eating whatever. This is where my abstinence can get tricky, because I can, basically, eat whatever I want... in small doses.
After a while of eating freely, though, I accumulate both a mental and physical buildup, which leaves me feeling guilty and fat. This is never a good pattern for me to fall into. It has, in the past, been a setup for relapse. So, today, I knew I'd have to get honest with myself, and employ more structure to my food plan.
If I've learned anything throughout my recovery journey, it's that I can use as many tools as I want to--going to meetings, using a food plan, picking up the telephone, sponsorship, using a treatment team, etc.--BUT, none of them really matter if I'm not honest with myself.
I may coast on the coattails of self-will for a while, but, eventually, it will catch up to me.
While I don't attend "The Program" at present, the one phrase from the literature that never leaves my mind is the part in the Big Book stating, "There are those who are constitutionally incapable of getting honest with themselves."
That phrase snaps me back into reality, to remind me to get honest about my own level of self-honesty... if that makes any sense.
I now have a daily reminder alarm on my phone to remind me to wake-up and get honest. It's amazing how easy it is to forget about honesty! In times of stress, no, actually, ANYTIME, I can be lured by this or that food, forgetting that IF IM HONEST WITH MYSELF, then I don't really want what I'm reaching for.
What I'm craving in the moment is much deeper than food.
I've said it before, and I'm saying it again (for myself)...Self Honesty IS the BEST POLICY!!!!