Here it is, almost 8:00 on Saturday evening. Let me just say right off the bat that I have wanted to binge and purge for hours!! These cravings have not come over me, at this level of intensity, for months--perhaps years!! I want to eat, eat, eat! I want to rid myself of the fears I have over this article I'm still procrastinating about writing (although, I'm making some progress). I also want to starve and overexercise. It's... well... crazy, for lack of a better word. Just another indication of the mental disease this is.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want Magnolia Bakery No you can't get Magnolia Just don't eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cupcakes I really want to purge My therapist still hasn't called me back I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don't want to do this You'll regret it No I won't Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of Magnolia Bakery products into my mouth Maybe I'll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don't want to do this Who cares I can start over Lisa won't be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the article It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don't want to...
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state--in an instant I might add--is nuts. I won't pathologize too much... none of this is abnormal when you have an ED... even in recovery... that's the real kicker. It's like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery--oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I'll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of "freedom," meaning, I don't B/P/S/OEx, and I have the "freedom" to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they "recovered" from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to Magnolia Bakery for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth... and then, of course, spewing it out. Wow, that release would feel great--but then I'd feel like shit. Now, I've been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I've gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I've made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I'M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I'm not going to overexercise at the gym tonight either. I'm going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don't want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery is about honesty. As a colleague used to say to our clients, "We don't get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need. Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.