[Valid Atom 1.0] Life With Cake: Eating Disorder Blog: Living Within the Parameters of Imperfect Abstinence...An Interesting Dilemma

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Living Within the Parameters of Imperfect Abstinence...An Interesting Dilemma

When I think of "abstinence," as I learned in treatment, I think of no sugar, wheat or flour, no restricting, bingeing, or purging, weighing and measuring, following a food plan to the letter, etc. While this was great for me at the time, I eventually began to seek out moderation in my food practices.

Moderation is wonderful, except when you have a brain that defines abstinence as perfection; meaning, encompassing all of the above, every single day. Moderation has allowed me to not follow the "no sugar, wheat or flour" regimen--because, unlike the compulsive overeater, who has an allergy to those substances, my addiction doesn't send me off running to the races when I ingest sugar, wheat, or flour. While I'd spent plenty of time b/p, I was most-addicted to purging, thus alleviating any feeling of fullness (i.e., uncomfortableness).

Where guilt ensues is in the following my food plan perfectly bit. Every day, I plan my food. Some days I eat exactly as planned. But on most days, I will eat an extra of this, or skip that, which makes my perfectionistic brain go crazy!

My dilemma is that I want to achieve what I have defined as perfect abstinence. But, the real question to ask myself is, do I really need to? Why do I have to do it perfectly? Couldn't "perfect abstinence" be just as mentally shackling as the ED itself? I'm beginning to think so.

So, the question then is HOW do I mentally train myself to accept imperfect abstinence? A lot of mental conditioning and cognitive restructuring is my guess...oy vey!

FOR TODAY: I will attempt to follow my food plan perfectly, but if I don't, I will practice being gentle with myself.

Off to do some mental push-ups!!!

6 comments:

Eating With Others said...

Well it's nice to know that perfectionism run's in the family. I either follow through or total blow it too. I was never good at moderation, I didn't know the meaning of it and still don't. I'm trying to learn and be "brave" but someday's it just doesn't seem like it's working. And I'm never gentle with myself. I try but rarely follow through.

Anonymous said...
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I Hate to Weight said...

i can't seem to add you to my blogroll. i know i've had this problem before with your blog. i'll have to get help from my beau -- my personal computer assistant.

i've never been sure about (what sounds like) OA practises. i know it's great to have a food plan, but i think it's potentially a slippery slope to ban some foods. i believe our bodies really want some of these.

abstinence is a hard one with food, i find. with drinking, I AM abstinent. still, when i go to AA meetings, i take what helps me and leave any philosophies that don't seem best for me.

i sounds like you do know what's best AND THAT'S GREAT. it's NOT something to beat yourself up about.

keep up the great work. and pat yourself on the back!!!!

Unknown said...

eating an extra of this or skipping that sounds more like"normal eating" to me than sticking to your plan exactly...just a thought

I Hate to Weight said...

how goes it? you haven't posted in a bit. i'm just wondering how you are. hope you'll let us know, when you have a chance. hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Just curious, what did you mean by those with BN having an allergy ro sugar/wheat/flour?